September 2005

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Through Another’s Eyes

Sometimes dealing with people can be downright challenging. For example, have you ever found yourself talking with an individual who seems to be totally self-centered, only interested in their own thoughts, ideas and their life in general? We would all like less conflict in our lives, and to have the ability to inspire and influence others with ease. The following techniques can help you achieve that.

When looking at how people interact, the self-centered person is in the ‘1st position’, meaning they are only viewing the world through their own eyes. The challenge with this is that it’s a very limited perspective.

When we face a difficult situation with others, it’s very beneficial to try to see what the situation might look like through their eyes. Or, when someone says something disconcerting to us, it’s valuable to really listen so that we can better understand their point of view. When we attempt to understand another person’s perspective, we are in the ‘2nd position’ which allows us to be more flexible so we can proactively create a win/win outcome.

When we take a step back and view the entire situation from a distance, trying to better understand both our own and their perspective, as well as the potential impact on the bigger picture, we are in the ‘3rd position’. This enhanced frame of reference provides us with even more options and ultimately facilitates better solutions for all.

Think about a difficult conversation you recently had with a friend or colleague, and then, close your eyes and recall what happened. Consider the following: in this case were you in the 1st, 2nd or 3rd position? How did that impact the outcome? What might have happened if you were in one of the other positions?

It’s O.K., in fact it’s healthy, to be in 1st position—your needs, desires and perspective are valid and valuable—the only issue is if that’s all that matters to you. By developing and maintaining an ability to embrace 2nd and 3rd positions, a person can be in a better position to have their wants and needs met while also supporting others.

‘It’s gotta be my way…’

Individuals invested in only seeing their own point of view—those who will do whatever it takes to prove themselves right—often leave a trail of frustrated people and broken trust behind them. Leaders who come from this egocentric perspective can experience high turnover in staff, a combative, gossipy, or negative workplace, and clients that do not refer others.

Individuals that have the ability to operate from 2nd and 3rd positions, while being grounded in 1st position, can enjoy healthy debates and the learning involved in give and take situations. They are also generally seen to be more intelligent and as better leaders.

‘That’s certainly not the way I would do it…’

In order to work with individuals that are chronically in 1st position it’s helpful to consider the following:

• A person who continually challenges others wants an audience, but it’s not much fun to put on a show if there’s nobody watching or playing with you. By ‘choosing’ to not play their game, we don’t reward undesirable behaviour.
  
  
• By tactfully helping an individul create awareness, you are inviting them to alter their behaviour in the future. An effective way to create awareness is to gently ask questions. For example: “How would you feel if somebody said/did that to you?” By asking this question you are encouraging them to see the situation from another person’s eyes, or from 2nd position.
  
  
• When you have an appointment with an individual that is typically in 1st position, with their blinders on to anybody’s needs but their own, it might be a good idea to do some advance preparation. Simply thinking through the way you would like to see the meeting progress might be enough, but if it is an important meeting, where much is at stake, you may want to write out your desired outcome and how you plan to achieve it. Preparation can make the difference between having your objectives met—or not.
  
  
• It also helps to know what matters to the other
  individual(s), and to try to understand their key motivators. By taking the time to consider possibilities, and having the behavioural flexibility to skillfully adapt, both parties can get what they want.

“I didn’t do it…”

Have you noticed that when you are talking with an individual that becomes defensive they often become quite emotional as well? They can in fact become so emotional that it may be difficult for them to think rationally. In this type of situation, the person is most likely wanting you to acknowledge that you understand their point of view.

When somebody becomes defensive, don’t give the topic more power by responding in such a way that they become even more defensive. By defending something, we give it power. If we simply acknowledge that we’ve heard, and then let it go, we increase the likelihood that it will no longer be an issue.

By moving into 2nd position, and looking through another’s eyes, we have the potential to understand what it must look like to the other person, and we will be better able to empathize and validate their feelings.

When a team member or client complains, they want their concerns to be acknowledged. They want you to hear what they have to say, acknowledge that you heard them, and then—and only then—tell them what you can do to help. But if the individual does not feel heard, they will likely be motivated to continue repeating their complaint, and the volume of their voice may continue to escalate with each rendition of their ‘story’. In addition to making your team member or client feel heard, the added benefit for you to really listen is that this may be a golden learning opportunity. Learning exactly what others find annoying enables you to make changes, and even a small change can offer incredible lasting benefits.

Points to Ponder:

• Do you typically operate from only 1st position, where you only see things through your eyes, or do you have the door open to 2nd position, allowing you to also see things through another’s eyes? Or do you see the big picture of 3rd position?
  
  
• Is it extremely important to prove yourself right, regardless of the cost?
  
  
• Do you talk at others or with others?
  
  
• Does your current behaviour support you in achieving what you want? And does it do that in a way that maintains and supports your relationships with others, or is it at the expense of others?

Nobody is perfect at dealing with conflict or challenging situations with people. But the more we practice these skills, thereby increasing our flexibility, the better communicators we will become, and ultimately, the more likely we will be to achieve our desired results.

When faced with a difficult situation,
try looking at it through another’s eyes.

About the Author

CoraMarie Clark, MBA is recognized as a highly effective dental practice strategist. She works with dentists that want to optimize their potential both personally and professionally. Her collaborative approach has helped teams develop dynamic competitive strategies and achieve high impact sustainable results.

If you would like to explore the possibility of having CoraMarie work with your Dental Practice or speak for your Association or Group, contact us today.

CoraMarie Clark
phone 403.686.6136
email coramarie@strategix-ltd.com
web strategix-ltd.com

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